10 Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder I Wish You Knew About
When I started this blog it was to remember the good times.
I remember when I was scared to admit what was wrong with me. I once wrote an anonymous post on UK Bloggers about developing borderline personality disorder.
You see I was scared. Scared about how people would treat me. I had already had people use the “oh but she’s mental” card on me online when talking about my blog and that was without them even knowing the full scope of my diagnosis.
There are so many things I wish I could tell everyone about the signs or symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD), my mental illness and how it affects me in my everyday life. How it messes with my head and makes me think things which aren’t true.
How I battle my mental health conditions every day and always will.
Borderline personality disorder refers to a long term pattern of behaviour which differs significantly from what is expected. These are called borderline personality disorder traits.
So for now here are 10 signs of borderline personality disorder that I wish you knew about.
It Makes Me a Zombie.
I’m not sure how to describe it other than like being a zombie.
The meds give me a sort of tiredness hangover which, on top of my chronic fatigue, means that I am forever battling for energy. This is one of the symptoms of BPD.
I wish I could come off the BPD medication but I just can’t at the moment. There are too many risk factors involved with stopping medication.
I cannot come off the medication because it makes me very unwell mentally. In my case, the medication which helps some parts of my life makes other parts of life hard.
When Things Get Too Much I Switch Off / Dissociate.
BPD is a weird being.
A person with borderline personality disorder might sometimes feel so overcome with emotions and other times feel nothing. I often struggle with emotion regulation and everything is extreme.
At times I find feeling nothing is a blessing and at other times these chronic feelings of emptiness are a curse.
After all, how can you be so calm when talking about awful things? This is often what people think but the reality is that it’s as if I’m watching myself from above. I’m no longer “there”, I am just going through the motions.
Yes, I Self Harm.
In my teens I used to cut myself a lot.
These days my self-harm behaviours are a little less obvious.
For instance, I’ve had bad eczema in my ears over the winter. Instead of properly treating it, I picked and picked at it until it bleeds and hurts and then I pick some more.
Some people with borderline personality disorder exhibit suicidal behaviours, even suicide attempts.
I Struggle Not To See Things In Black And White.
With BPD there is a tendency to not see the grey areas of life.
It either is or isn’t. You can or you can’t. You do or you don’t. There is no maybe or perhaps. People with borderline personality disorder often feel like they have had more negative life events because of this.
It is a constantly draining way to live.
I am Scared Of Abandonment.
BPD is often contradictory.
I hate you, go away.
I love you, please don’t leave.
Because of this, I push family members away but I also worry they will leave. I’m terrified of unstable relationships and I have a fear of abandonment.
But if I make them leave I’m in control, if they leave I have been abandoned.
I Need Reassurance.
People with borderline personality disorder need reassurance. Daily.
I need it so much. I need to know that people are there for me, that they care.
That I’m doing OK.
I Say Sorry A LOT.
BPD makes me think I do everything wrong and I make frantic efforts to apologise.
A cup gets accidentally knocked over, I’m sorry.
The wind was a bit too strong and blew your hat off, I’m sorry.
The game isn’t going your way, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for being sorry. But I just cannot stop being sorry.
I’m Not A Bad Person.
There’s a misconception around BPD that it makes anyone who suffers it a bad person.
That isn’t true. Yes sometimes we can say hurtful things, sometimes we can be downright awful.
And I’m not making excuses but please remember that our brains aren’t processing things properly.
I know myself if I say something bad, or get cross, or something winds me up, I will spend days after beating myself up about it.
I will spend so long going over and over everything I did wrong and how I can make it up.
My Self-Esteem is Rubbish.
I spend everyday beating myself up mentally.
Why did I do that, why didn’t I do that?
I am not good enough at anything, I’m rubbish, I’m nothing, I’m useless.
You can tell me otherwise but my brain won’t process it the same as others would.
My Mood Can Change Quickly.
I suffer from emotional instability and impulsive behaviour. One minute I can be happy as anything and the next the whole world is coming apart.
There’s no real rhyme or reason behind it, I can’t tell you what changes.
Perhaps there is nothing bar my mood taking a swing to the left or right.
If you think that you may have a mental illness then have a look at some of the signs of borderline personality disorder on the NHS website.
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I applaud your for being so brave and open to share this, Sarah.
Again thanks f or sharing. The more people learn about various mental illnesses. The more people will start to understand.
I find it really interesting learning about different mental health conditions I have to admit.
very interesting to read thanks for info
thank you for bearing your inner demons. Its an incredible post and helps me ` and I am sure many others – understand a little more of the struggles that people with BPD go through.
Thank you so much, I hope it makes people realise we are just humans a little off the wall at times but still humans.
Hi Sarah, long time!
What a really brave post. I have to admit that I didn’t really know what BPD meant, it’s a term that I’ve seen used more recently. Thank you for enlightening me, and I’m sure others. Lots of love to you x
I think people are starting to talk about it more which is great, it was when I was diagnosed 15 years ago something you would keep hush hush, it was something you should definitely be ashamed of.
Thanks for being so frank and open – REALLY helps give perspective on everyday challenges – always inspirational xx
Thank you so much I hope it helps some people know they aren’t alone or crazy.
Thank you for sharing with us – it has given me some more insight into BPD and how it affects your physical/mental wellbeing. I hope you get good support with your diagnosis xx
Thank you, I am glad it has helped with some insight 🙂
This is so interesting to read. Having lived with someone with BPD for a long time I can relate to so much of what you have said here. Thankfully, when I started learning and understanding it made life a little more tolerable. The instant mood swings have been the hardest, one minute we can be laughing about something, the next, I’m the most evil person in this world and I ruin everything. I do always get an apology though. I just wish there was more help, the medication is awful and even after years of therapy there is nothing permanent, it’s like, you can’t be fixed so we are not going to keep counselling you.
You are very brave to talk about your condition, I know it must be hard for you. I know it’s hard to actually accept that you have BPD. But it’s very helpful for people like me, and I guess for other sufferers to feel less alone. x
I can’t imagine what it is like to live with us sometimes. I am sure we can be absolutely awful, I try my best to control everything these days but you know it isn’t always possible, it’s like there’s something inside you which takes over.
Brave lady. Thank you for taking the time to help others understand
Thank you, I hope it helps someone, somehow.