Domestic Abuse – A Survivors Story

I’ve spoken before about my experiences with domestic abuse and today I get to share with you the story of another survivor, a very strong lady, who has come through the darkness. This is her story:

I have experienced domestic abuse, I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years. I have since taken part in the freedom programme run by Women’s Aid and had counselling so feel I have a variety of perspectives having my own experiences and those of others on the course I attended. Here are some myths which if more people can understand may help more victims of abuse seek help, both male and female. I also share some of my experiences in the hope that me being open and honest helps others.

Domestic abuse only happens in long term relationships

It can happen in any relationship and an abuser will start that dripping tap long before you realise. It can start with little subtle comments that you are accused of just being too sensitive about. My abuser always said I had no sense of humour and that he was just joking. You have to ask yourself though if someone knows that what they are saying will upset you how is that ever a joke? A joke is something funny not upsetting. In hindsight, right from the first few weeks, my abuser started that dripping tap.

Domestic abuse only happens to women and in heterosexual relationships

This is not true, whilst it is more common in women and more often reported in women there are many cases of domestic abuse against men too. The perpetrator of domestic violence can be a man or woman in any relationship.

He/she is good with the kids so it can’t be abuse

Is treating their parent the way they do good for the children? Just because an abuser plays with kids does not mean they can not be capable of abuse. Abusers can be great friends, great with everyone but you, that doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse.

There are no marks or bruises so it can’t be abuse

My abuser never left a mark on me but the things he did will affect me for longer than any bruise would take to heal. Words and other actions can hurt as much as cuts and bruises only in a different way. Domestic abuse is behaviour that makes you scared, nervous or modify your actions for fear of reactions. Domestic abuse can even be carried out from afar without being able to physically touch someone.

Domestic Abuse only happens to certain types of people

It can happen to anyone, you only have to read the news to see celebrities can be both victims or perpetrators or domestic abuse. It isn’t just drug users, people in rough areas, or even people who “like a good argument”. It can happen to absolutely anyone.

He/she says everything is ok and seems happy so it can’t be abuse

A victim of abuse becomes an expert in hiding how things really are. If you think someone you know may be suffering from abuse try to speak to them alone and if they say things are ok just reassure them that if things ever aren’t that you are there for them.

My Experiences of Domestic Abuse

To ensure that I can not be accused of slander or similar I will keep details vague and I am posting this anonymously through another bloggers site. However, I will be as open and honest as I can as it is important to me to help others not to suffer if they can be given the courage to leave.

My abuser made me feel worthless, he accused me of having no sense of humour because I was upset when he put me down and laughed at parts of my body. He made me feel like I deserved to be treated like rubbish. He would tell me all the time that people were flirting with him and that I was lucky because he only wanted me. I think this was to make me think I was lucky to have him as I was so worthless but he stayed with me.

My abuser never physically hurt me as he never hit or punched me though he did push me on a few occasions. I was scared of him though, he told me stories of how he had his ex-girlfriend beaten up, he threatened to kill me, he tried to get a shot gun license so he could keep a gun in the house. He kept an air rifle in the house and told me that even though in some ways air rifles are harmless they could actually kill someone if “you knew what you were doing”. He told me he had been arrested for arms dealing due to his guns in the past. This is something I found out from the police after I ended the relationship was not true. When he went out without me even in the early days he often came back with sore knuckles saying he had hit someone usually over something silly like a car park space. Due to these things I was always so scared he would hurt me and that was enough, he didn’t need to physically hurt me for me to be scared for my life at times.

My abuser blamed depression and said he had a sex addiction which is why he needed to have intercourse regularly. If I did not want it he would sulk and be nasty to me and to my son until I gave in. If I did not give in he would force himself on me when we went to bed. Or I would be woken to find him having sex with me. After this had happened a few times I felt I had no choice but to give it to him whenever he wanted it because he would get his own way anyway in the end.

My abuser controlled when I went out and where I went. I was made to feel like I could not have family or friends to our house because he made them feel unwelcome and was very rude to them. He gradually stopped me having much of a life outside our house and ensured that I was only interacting with those he allowed me to. I did not wear make up because of the accusations I received when I did. When I did go out I was under very strict instructions as to whether I was allowed to take the car and where I must park, he then checked up on me if he could or more often than not he dropped me off and collected me so that he knew where I was.

Some days it was good, he said nice things to me and bought me things, these were days when he had been very abusive in previous days. These days also followed days when I said I wanted to leave him. It was his way of keeping control over me. The rest of the time he controlled what we spent money on and he got me into a lot of debt by using my credit to buy himself things. He never had a bank account all the time we were together, he chose not to work most of the time so that he could watch what I was doing. He spent money that was given to us due to my son’s disabilities on himself. I left the relationship in thousands of pounds of debt that will affect me for the rest of my life. When he was spending money he was less abusive so it was a relief sometimes and it felt easier but really this was financial abuse. If he wanted something he bought it without even checking if we had money for food or bills.

I started to realise that this was abuse, I realised that I was not happy and that I deserved to be treated with respect and not to live in fear. I built up the courage and I made him leave. The reality of the laws meant that despite me reporting the abuse there was no prosecution as there was not enough evidence. I felt like this meant it didn’t happen but counselling and the freedom programme helped me see that a lack of prosecution is common and does not mean I was not believed. The police very much believed me and were sorry that they could not take things further.

I am in a happy relationship now but I still suffer the effects of living in an abusive relationship most days. I suffer flashbacks and find it difficult to accept that I can say no, especially in the bedroom. I have to remind myself often that my partner now is not the same person and when he compliments me it isn’t because he is trying to keep me with him after treating me badly it is just because he loves me. I still look in the mirror and hear the abuser’s voice telling me of my imperfections but I remember that he was an abuser and he said these things to make himself feel better. I remember that he is the one with the problem, not me. I am a domestic abuse survivor and I know that I am a stronger person now than I was during the abuse. I will never allow anyone to make me feel that worthless again. I am not a victim I am a survivor.

Whilst the abuser was never convicted the details of his arrest and the accusations made against him will stay on his record and I trust the police that my evidence and statements will be of support in the future to anyone else who he abuses. I hope that my evidence will make it easier for them to get a conviction and I hope that him being arrested and questioned for this will mean that he thinks twice before doing it to anyone again. I do also believe however that leopards don’t change their spots.

Why have I told you all this? I don’t want sympathy or to name him. All I want is to show anyone reading this that there is so much more to domestic abuse than bruises and marks but equally it isn’t always just name calling either. I hope that someone reads this and feels more empowered to leave an abuser. I am very open about my past, however, need to stay anonymous for fear of reprisals as he hasn’t been convicted and he could obviously be identified from me.

If you want to talk to someone about domestic abuse there are many places you can turn to including local charities in many areas. In the UK there are also National charities such as Women’s Aid, Men’s Advice Line for male victims, Victim Support, NSPCC for children who have witnessed Domestic Abuse, Citizens Advice, and Refuge.