Domestic Abuse – Joy’s Story

I’ve spoken before about how I became a survivor of domestic abuse, I was quite young when I got into my first abusive relationship and sadly others can be the same age and younger. Today Joy from Pinkoddy, speaks openly about how she found herself in a violent relationship at a young age.

Domestic Violence – it’s not the sort of thing you expect to have to deal with as a teenage girl. But unfortunately it isn’t something limited to just adults. I discovered that the hard way when I was sixteen years old. There were laws to protect me, but they just weren’t enough.

In the Beginning

I had been sexually abused by a lot of people growing up, but in my teens I was scared to sleep at night and went to bed in an underwired bra to try to protect myself from wondering hands. When I was sixteen I had enough and moved into a bail hostel where I believed I would be safer. To a point I was, I shared a room with a lovely young girl and we locked the door at night. I could sleep again. But other people lived there, undesirable people – like the guy who had decided to fully take away my virginity when I was 12 years old (and he was almost 21). I was low, I didn’t really feel I had any friends and had never fitted in/being bullied all my life. So when this knight in shining armour wanted to look after me, protect me, and love me I thought my luck had change.

The Warnings

People tried to tell me that he was no good, but I thought that they were being judgemental. After all why couldn’t a man (he was 25) love a girl? They didn’t know him and just based everything on his age. He told me that they just didn’t want me to be happy – that they wanted to control me. Looking back now I know how naïve I was as I believed how it wasn’t his fault that he was asked to leave the hostel. He said it was because it was only meant for people up to the age of 25 and they wanted him out. In reality he had been physical with one of the female members of staff.

The Good

But he kept his promise and looked after me. He even got us a nice shared house near the City Centre, where he protected me in our room – away from the other bad men around. When he got his unemployment benefit he would spoil me with Chinese takeaways – not worrying about the future. He told me all the things I wanted to hear – about how wonderful I was and that he would love me forever. He was honest with me and told me when other people weren’t really my friend – and had been talking about me. He didn’t let me be humiliated by them.

The Bad

The first time he hit me was the worst time. At least I thought it was. That’s because it was the time that left me feeling the most bruised and vulnerable. He literally kicked me around the room. In fact it is all a bit of a blur but I know there were finger print bruises around my neck where he had strangled me enough to cause pain but not enough to let me die. The other people in the house called the police but there wasn’t anything they could do as I was too scared to press charges (I believe this has now changed as it was 24 years ago!). He never did hurt me again like that – but I also learnt not to wind him up either. See it was my fault as I wouldn’t let go of a photograph of an old friend in his school uniform. My boyfriend knew I had strong feelings for my ex and felt that I was rubbing it in his face.  After that was just the one incident where he had to take me to the hospital as he thought he had broken my thumb – but it was okay because he hadn’t. It was mostly just verbal then – a sign that he was trying not to hit me when I did wrong. He would instead hit a wall, or smash a window – anything other than hitting me. When I threatened to leave him he always made it hard – once he put a belt around his neck and said he would hang himself over my only exit out of the room; another he set fire to a towel and threw it in the doorway. Other than that he would threaten my family.

The Baby

He wanted to trap me and alienate me. I was trying to better myself to go to University but he did everything in his power to try to prevent that. I was terrified to keep taking the Pill as he didn’t want me on it, and said my friends were slags who made me behave inappropriately (which in turn made him angry). So it was only a matter of time before I was pregnant. I don’t have good memories about that first pregnancy. Naïve I had no idea how I contracted genital warts and when I got upset about him inviting his friends into his flat when I was naked resulted in him taking a knife to my throat.

Now I am not suggesting for any moment that anyone in a situation like this has a baby but he saved my life. If it wasn’t for my son needing protecting I would still be bullied by this monster. Because this man convinced me that I was worthless and the reason he got so angry. That a World hated me and I was of no use. But seeing him throw the baby across the bed was enough for me to stop and say to myself – hang on this baby hasn’t done anything.

I started with injunctions and made a Will. I gave him many chances to change I have to admit – keep going back again and again. Thinking that the baby had a right to a father. But he never lived with me again. Eventually when the boy turned 4 (and was completely messed up by him) I fled. Just me and my son we moved to another City and never looked back. From what I can gather this man has never changed and has more children in hiding. But our lives changed forever. And as for all the fear of him hunting us down and hurting my family – it never happened. So my message is never let that fear ruin your life.