7 Key Questions to Help you Find your Ideal Life Partner
People do strange things in their search for the perfect partner. Do you have a set checklist of qualities he/she must possess in order to pass muster? Have you tried blind dates, speed dating or dating apps without much success?
There are psychological tests you can take to determine compatibility and astrological reports for the best love match. But whether you take the scientific approach to finding your soulmate or consult the stars for guidance on the ideal life partner, perhaps it’s time you started by turning your attention inwards? Here are 7 key areas you should be considering.
What lessons can you learn from your past?
Your choice of previous partners will have been influenced by experiences that have shaped your thought patterns and personality since childhood. Ask yourself if family instability perhaps caused you to opt for similarly chaotic relationships, or super stable and boring ones instead? Do you have an exaggerated idea of romantic love which makes you fall in love with the ‘wrong’ type of person? Your deeply held beliefs about what a relationship should be is the result of messages received from family, friends and the sociocultural environment in which you grew up. Maybe it’s time to examine those beliefs and lay some ghosts to rest?
Are you ready for a new relationship?
If you have recently come out of a serious relationship, it takes time before you’re ready to commit to a new one. A painful breakup can cause a similar kind of ‘cold turkey’ reaction as drug withdrawal, both physically and emotionally. This means that you won’t be able to see clearly or make intelligent decisions about the next potential partner. So-called rebound relationships can happen very quickly after a breakup, trying to replace the feelings for an ex-partner, but they usually fizzle out as a result of unrealistic expectations. Better to make sure that the lessons from the last relationship failure have been learnt and understood before you enter into the next one.
Are you using the right search criteria?
If you are assessing potential partners against your target specifications in terms of physical appearance, social status, hobbies and interests etc, you may be putting the cart before the horse. Even if you find a great partner, s/he may not be the match that delivers the happiness you are seeking. In fact, who you pair with matters less than the relationship that results from the pairing. Instead, think of what a contented relationship means for you, then look for a partner who can provide you with that experience. Whatever they look like, whatever their income or hobbies, they will prove to be a good choice.
Should you commit while you are ‘in love’?
Chemistry is an essential ingredient for falling in love. It’s an overwhelming, all-encompassing feeling and it’s scientifically proven that both physiologically and emotionally, you are entering an altered state. They say love is a drug, and being under the influence is never a good basis for making important decisions. Perhaps some of your previous relationship mistakes happened as a result of this? While becoming infatuated is a wonderful first stage of a new relationship, it’s best to wait until the butterflies have subsided before you commit. Some say brain chemistry returns to normal after 6 months, some say 2 years.
What about your values, beliefs and life goals?
Deeper elements of a partner’s personality may only come to light after a while, by which time you may already be in too deep having developed a strong physical and emotional attraction to each other. That’s why it is critical to have early conversations to establish whether your outlooks on life chime. Do you have similar values, belief systems and shared life goals, and do your personalities complement each other? Without congruence in these fundamental areas, your relationship is unlikely to be happy or successful in the longer term, so have the strength to walk away from it if you know deep down that there’s no match.
It’s important to know the religion of your partner for a few reasons. For one, it can be a deal breaker if you’re not compatible religiously. It can also lead to big arguments and disagreements down the line if you’re not on the same page. Additionally, you can learn a lot about each other’s religions through bible questions and answers for teens, which will help you get a better understanding of where each other is coming from and what they believe in. It’s also a great way to build a stronger bond with your partner. All in all, there are plenty of good reasons to get to know your partner’s religion.
Are you expecting too much from a partner?
It is tempting to expect your life partner to fulfil all your hopes and dreams, but humans are fallible and relationships are not perfect, so this can’t possibly be achievable. Don’t set yourself up to fail with unrealistic expectations. While nobody should be expected to ‘settle’ for a poor relationship, there is such a thing as ‘good enough’, assuming your partner gives you most of what you need, and you give them most of what they need, and you are both motivated to do your best for each other. As one study puts it, “accepting a positive attitude towards a good-enough partner implies that we are content with our partner inasmuch as the person suits us and not necessarily because this person is the most perfect partner in the world.”
Will you support each other emotionally?
The ability and willingness to be there for each other in times of need lie at the heart of every positive long-term relationship. Is your other half going to be emotionally responsive when you are going through a tough time? And will you do the same for them if the boot is on the other foot? Sadly, far too many people stay in unhappy relationships where emotional support is just not forthcoming, while they keep hoping against hope for a happy ending. If you have any experience of being in a toxic relationship where your emotional needs were not met or you were unable to meet your partner’s needs, let this be the moment when the penny finally drops.
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