All About Me

I will not give up

Ok the title of this post is completely contradictory to how I feel at the moment, my life seems to have crashed and burned as everything from the past year has just caught up with me.

It's over a year since my Gran left us and in some ways I'm only just starting to admit to myself she and my aunt have really gone, before I just let life keep going, buried my head in the sand and just hoped it would all pass me by, without too much bother.

But you know what it hurts, it hurts more than I can say – all the things I meant to do when I could cope with it, why did I never manage to cope with it? Why does my body and mind choose to fail me in such ways.

I've slept so much in the past few weeks, I've hardly wanted to get out of bed, as it's so safe warm and comforting, nothing can get you while you are cocooned within those walls right?

I guess I don't really know why I am typing this – it goes against the ethos of my blog to remember the good times, but I admit I hardly remember anything good at the moment and I'm trying to realise that's ok – sometimes you need to accept and face the bad and stop hiding.

Because pretending everything is ok and putting your head in the sand leads to something little causing the world around you to crash down and right now that crash is so big. But in a few months perhaps I can deal with it once again.

This article has 19 comments

  1. Mellissa Williams

    I just wanted to say I am thinking of you. When a loved one dies it knocks you for six. Talking about it to family and friends does help. Xxx

  2. justine meyer

    Aww hunny, I do feel for you, it will be 10 years on Saturday when my hubby died at 36yrs old then lost my mum 11 weeks later and i still haven’t got my head round it. Things will get easier though xxx

  3. Christine Lockley

    Aww bless, thank you for sharing such a difficult post – take one day at a time and please don’t beat yourself up. Take all the help, love and support, the pain will ease

  4. KATE SARSFIELD

    Sarah, you are not alone. Listen to your body; it hasn’t failed you, rather it’s telling you that you need to take some time out, to give yourself the time you need to come to terms with your loss. Feeling guilty is a natural part of grieving and of surviving, so be gentle with yourself. Feeling devastated is ‘normal’, but that doesn’t make it any easier to face up to. There is no quick fix so take your time and scream, cry, whatever feels right for you. You are a strong person, and yes, you will survive, a little bit battered & bruised to be sure, but you will get through this.

  5. Lauranne

    I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you really need to talk to someone, take it from someone who knows. Maybe a trip to speak to your GP can help, or I have found counselling very helpful. If I can do anything

  6. Jo Hutchinson

    Sending hugs, hope you feel better soon, dealing with death is hard some days and easier others.

  7. Christine Dodd

    Sarah – I agree with Kate. Listen to your body and rest when you need to. I used to plough on regardless and learnt the hard way! Now I listen, rest and don’t feel guilty about it.

  8. Wendy@BlushandBarbells

    I’m sorry, girlfriend. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Hugs

  9. Kim Carberry

    Thinking of you and sending love and hugs! x

  10. Jayne T

    Hey Sarah, you’re an amazing person! Baby steps are the way forward, just little steps at a time you will get through this.

    I don’t think we ever get over losing someone we love and it’s ok to have days when you feel sad about things. Time is a fantastic healer, you’ll learn to live with your loss in time and you will feel better again And just remember the love you had for your Gran lives on through your heart and through that her spirit will be with you.

    I hope that you’re feeling better soon and just know that we’re all here for you. Never feel bad for the things you haven’t managed yet to do, no one in this world is perfect we all have bad days sometimes and make mistakes. You have a fantastic blog and have so many friends here that care about you. xxx

  11. Lindsey Stuart

    Aww it’s only but normal to be feeling down! I still have bad days after my granny passed away! i think about her every day and when i have a down day i imagine what she would say to me and that makes me feel better

    Bless you and take care xxx

  12. Stephanie Whitehouse

    You are brave, and that will carry you onwards

  13. amanda walsh

    Sometimes a crash is needed just to be able to pick yourself up and go on, I am in a crash at the moment but brighter days are ahead

  14. Kerry Lethbridge

    Bless you x

  15. Heather Haigh

    As an ME sufferer I too have been struggling recently – so hard when your body and brain can’t be relied on. Thinking of you. xxx

  16. Kat Allinson

    Writing this was totally brave, I lost my Dad to suicide 5 years ago this year and for the first year I convinced myself I was carrying on as normal, it all caught up with me and I totally crashed and burned! Hope you are feeling better now, there is light at the end of the tunnel! x

  17. Emma T

    Sometimes life does hit us hard, and if you find you want to write about it, then you’ve got the perfect outlet in your blog. Take the time you need when you need it. That’s the only way we can deal with the hard times.

    Hope you find some positives soon.

  18. kate philpott

    aw i feel for you i lost my son a few years ago born still born , it really knocks you u down and i myself wondered i could ever cope i have my bad days now , but you have to keep going , i know when i need a sit down a good cry and a bit of me time my mind and body let me know.

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