I just want to say a quick few words of thanks for all the lovely messages I’ve had on my post about my depression, while I’m still feeling all happy about that I thought I would write my ‘missing part’ of my story, which incorporates really from when I was 18 till today. I think if I had put this in at the same time I would have ended up with the longest post in history.
Just a quick warning I have tried to keep this as non-graphic as I can, and not gone into details. But obviously I touch on some awful subjects in this post so just wanted to put a warning up.
Basically this starts around a year after I had moved into the halfway house, although I was only 17 when I first moved in as I had got on with everyone in the place I had been asked if I wanted to move in more permanently than the 4 week short stay room I had started in. In my first year there a lot of things changed, I split up with the guy I had been with since I was 15 just before my 18th birthday, my over dosing never really stopped until the incident I spoke about in my previous blog.
But then something huge happened, as I have said before I didn’t care about myself and really didn’t think about the dangers I was putting myself into, when one day I decided to meet someone I had been talking to on the Internet. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going, and although I had my mobile on me I was very prone to not answering. I only remember small bits of the day it was cold, and the train seemed to take forever to get to its destination – London.
I’m sure many people can probably guess where I am going with this, so I won’t go into much detail the person who I met wasn’t who they had professed to be beforehand, but they were charming, I was cold they gave me their coat, that sort of thing, but I was quite glad by the end of the time to be going home. At this point I tried to give them their coat back but they wouldn’t take it, I wish sometimes now I would have tried harder, dropped it on the floor even.
For the next week I tried my best to ignore all the phone calls, but then on the Sunday a text came that I don’t know what to do about, he was on his way to where I lived. I panicked, I remember now that all he knew was the name of the next town over, if I had ignored this text he would have gone away and none of the following would have happened, but I didn’t…
I responded and went to meet him, he begged me to let him stay for the night and I did on the understanding it would just be for the night, the next day he would go home.
I’m sure you can guess the fact he never did. I think it was only 2 months that it lasted but it feels like a life time even now. He did everything to me you could think of I’m sure, in this time I did see my parents, but he would always be there, making sure I told them everything is ok and when I was at home it was a life of horror.
If anyone came around he didn’t like or I did something he didn’t like I would end up locked in the bathroom with no lights, he would bite me every time I bent over to pick anything up, and he would rape me anytime he wanted to.
I lived in a communal building in a bedsit and believe me I was never quiet I would scream and cry any time of the day or night, the building was staffed and the only time I was ever asked by a staff member if I was ‘ok’ I was crying my eyes out and shaking badly and they took my answer as ‘I’m fine’ to be the truth and walked off, after 2 months the women living opposite me came and knocked on my door, screaming leave her alone, I remember just sinking down on the bed and thinking this is it, I’m either dead or saved. I remember him opening the door and shouting at her to go away and mind her own business, she stuck her foot in the door so he couldn’t shut it, and told him to get out she wanted to speak to me, for some reason he went, I think he must have believed I was so under his thumb, I wouldn’t say anything and I think he was probably right, he just didn’t bet on one thing, what she said to me.
I know what’s going on, don’t you dare deny it, because I won’t believe you, and someway this ends now.
She took my phone and rang my mother, told her I needed to go and see her. I didn’t tell my Mum the truth that day, I just told her that I was in debt and couldn’t deal with it anymore. But things kept slipping out that made no sense to her, like the fact I asked her to use the bathroom, which I know well enough I don’t need to do in my parents’ house, the fact I wouldn’t stop crying and how withdrawn I was, also made them wonder, by the evening when my Dad was home and they ended up taking me to the hospital where I was sedated.
The next day my Mum took me into town to have a cup of tea, when we went back to hers there was a package from him, having been posted through her front door, I flipped told her he was going to get me, then I started saying I have to go to him, the doctor can out this time and quickly sedated me.
The next day we went out again and went to see a couple of friends, in the afternoon my Mum had a phone call, from one of my friends I had not spoken to during this time, turns out my Mum had rung her in a blind panic and she was taking me in for a while.
Over the next few weeks I slowly started telling her the whole truth of what happened, the local refuge wouldn’t take me in due to my mental health problems, so my Mum and friend tried to help me through it all as best as they could. And I thank them so much for that, but I was too messed up, I didn’t know how to look after myself anymore, I had been turned into a machine and I was stuck in the cycle of domestic violence.
I went through 2 more abusive relationships, over the next years, there’s not much to say about the one in the middle bar he was a very angry person who needed and I still hope, maybe, has now got the help he needed, the last one well I refuse to say what I think might, or could, be wrong with him, he thought I was possessed and he had to beat and rape me to get whatever it was out of me, he even admitted the rape to mutual friends – alongside the fact he had previously thought about murder. I had tried going into a refuge in the October – but the local one to my parents didn’t have room and I walked out after a few minutes – yes I was a girl who went back.
For my 21st Birthday my parents took me to Center Parcs it’s quite a tradition and I still love going to this day (even at the big 25) on the day we were coming home, my Mum had asked me to get the towels and pack them away. I was in the middle of getting them when he asked me to go and do something, I turned around and said give me a minute let me just finish doing this for my Mum and he went mental at me. I remember turning to my Mum and asking her if she thought it was out of order.. When she said yes I finally knew I had to do something.
Again I went and stayed with the friend who had put me up after the 1st and 2nd episodes. But thankfully when we rang the local refuge this time they said they had a bed of me right away. I remember wondering if it was the right thing to do should I really take this step and leave everything behind, I remember what had happened the previous month – had I really gained the strength in such a short time? But most of all I also knew I couldn’t carry on as I was.
A week after my 21st birthday I moved into the refuge and while the first nights were so hard, I also learnt so much, such as I am not a victim but I did give off signals that drew people like that to me.
I lived with some amazingly inspirational people who had been through so much, and were so strong, I’m sure during that time I drew strength from each one of them, as 9 months later when I got my new flat and moved out I was a different person. I loved being single, myself and Sally in our home, it felt perfect. I spent 3 years like that, just me and Sal seeing a lot of my friends and my family and loved every minute of it. I had nightmares and sometimes I needed to be around my Mum and Dad to feel 100% safe, but I was free.
On the 10th of May 2010 I got with my other half you hear me talk about on here, we had known each other for 5 years he knew everything that had happened already so I didn’t need to explain the way I was, the fact I’m terrified of small spaces and the dark didn’t faze him one bit. He tells me every night that if I wake due to my nightmares all I need to do is wake him and he will talk to me. He accepts me for my past, and within that has made me realise I am me because of it.
So have a forgiven them for what they did to me – yes.
They made me stronger that I could ever have been without it, they made me understand sides of life, I couldn’t before and at least for making me stronger, I thank them for it. I now will NOT try and commit suicide, because if I do they will win. I still have my depression and battle that dragon every day; as I still get the feeling of being at the bottom of a hole.
The best way I can describe it is that it’s a hole very deep dug from the mud, I try to climb it to get to the light but the mud just falls away under my hands.
So to add from my words of the last post
We are just humans. We just can’t cope like others.
Please take a moment to think about how others might feel, take a moment to maybe try and understand.
Take a moment and tell someone you’re there for them that you love them or maybe just how much they make you smile.
If you are looking to meet someone online TELL someone where you are going whatever your age. But also remember that however long you have known someone they may not be who you think (I left this out but the last guy I had known since I was 17 and moved into the supported housing) I thought he was a good guy and a good friend, but he proved that I was wrong.
Most of all NEVER be ashamed to ask for help, never be worried about telling someone what is happening, there are people out there who can help you, people who know what you are going through and have been there themselves.
And if anyone reading this ever wants to talk, use my contact page by all means and I shall get back to you ASAP.