As I have said before I started this blog to remember a good thing every day, it might be painting my nails it might be finding a wonderful new product or it might just be that the people close to me gave me that hug right when I needed it.
The other night I got talking to one of my favourite bloggers on twitter, and really I urge you all to follow her either on twitter @savvymum4autism or through her blog Trials and Tribulations of the Sav-ettes she is truly an inspirational women, her blog is in the parenting category, and is about her life with her children, BUT there is one difference 3 of her wonderful children have different sorts of problems, one being Autism, another special needs and the 3rd is going through tests. Now let me tell you this is one STRONG woman and I have massive respect for her, she is getting the word out there. That just because someone may have something that’s not seen as normal, it doesn’t make them taboo you shouldn’t keep away, just please try and understand as much as you can!
So we were having a chit chat on Twitter the other night and we got onto depression and how much it can affect you and your family and friends, and how when you just want it all to end, you can’t see anything else, so tonight I am borrowing some of this amazing women’s strength and thanks to her blogging to my best ability about depression.
This is MY Story
No one really knows if I have been suffering from some kind of mental illness all my life, in my mind I think I probably have been, I can remember at primary school not wanting to go because I was sure someone had implanted a chip into my brain that could read all my thought and they were going to tell everyone. Emotionally I have always been very unstable and could switch from being really happy to so unhappy in a matter of seconds. I was lucky though I had the most amazing friends and a wonderful family around me and I muddled along through it all, until I was 12 when we made a big move from Kidlington, Oxford to Lichfield in Staffordshire, about 100 miles. There I had no friends I knew no one, bar my parents, although I made friends at my new school, I always felt the odd one out, I spoke differently and dressed in a different manner, I was the odd one out. Things slowly started to go downhill, I refused to go to school I got an awful temper and was forever running away from home, or shouting obscenities at my parents. Now this might sound ‘normal’ behaviour for some teens but my parents were always persistent that it was more than that, I wasn’t just being a teen; there was something more to it. But no one listened, everyone told them I would grow out of it just let me play it through, until I became ill with the flu and tonsillitis I was bed bound for probably more than 6 months when I was 14, and at this point I began cutting, I remember keeping a broken can in my draw and when that was found just using the clip from my watch to scratch at myself till I dug a huge hole. At this point my parents were told I had depression, and I was put on anti-depressants. I went back to school at the beginning of year 10 but by October I had come down with the flu again and I was once more off school. My temper and outbursts weren’t getting better, I was even running away in the cold and rain with just my t-shirt and jeans on, no shoes no coat, I just didn’t care about myself anymore.
The worst part was seeing what it was doing to my parents, it was tearing them apart my Mum cried a lot, my Dad would get in the car and drive away, that’s when I hit rock bottom, in my mind I thought hey everyone would be better off without me and I should just kill myself. And believe me I tried, I tried so hard, to the point even the doctors don’t know why I am alive. I would get hyper after over dosing and would be running around like a mad women while the doctors told my parents I was attention seeking and hadn’t done anything… I couldn’t have, I would be in a coma at least if I had done what I had said. In the end they would take the blood tests just because my parents begged them and found out yes I really had done it and would look at me strangely and keep me in for obs and to see a psychiatrist. I did have one of my own, but his answer was ohhh she’s trying to kill herself because she’s getting better if she wasn’t, she wouldn’t be trying to kill herself (now I don’t understand that and I never will.) But anyway as they differed in opinion on me that meant I had to see 3rd person, who agreed with the 2nd, and I was rushed quickly into a psychiatric hospital for inpatient treatment when I was 15. I spent 10 months as an inpatient, did it ever help me I don’t know, but I did meet some wonderful people who I hold very dearly in my heart and always will. It was then I realised I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only person in the world to feel as I did, until this point most people had pointed and laughed there is the mad girl walking by again! I was realised from hospital just after my 16th birthday just over 9 years ago now.
I left hospital and threw myself into work, I was being home school of a morning and would work in the afternoons, I picked up the habit in hospital of doing aerosols I’d often do it before I went to work, how I was never caught I don’t know. Once I finished school I took another full time job and worked every hour given to me so I didn’t have to think about anything, just get up eat go to work eat work more come home eat and then sleep, each day was the same. And as with everything some in the end had to give. I asked work to take down my hours but they wouldn’t so I left, got a voluntary job at the local charity shop while I looked for a new job, I was lucky back then I just feel into another job, but it didn’t give me the hours the one before had so I would my paid job and my voluntary job when I wasn’t at the other. And of course I broke down, everything I had been hiding from came back to bite me, and again I ended up trying to kill myself, and again my parents had me put into hospital. By this point along with depression I had been given the diagnosis of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, one symptom of this is being overly receptive to others emotions (aha! tell me now! As my parents have told in recent year they never knew who would come home from hospital when I had a weekend leave the first time) So I was only allowed 2 weeks before being moved on to a 1/2 way house. My first real taste of freedom, I had my own little bedsit, and lived with other people who had mental health problems. Looking back now it wasn’t the best idea. I still tried to commit suicide a lot! One scary time I had been taken to hospital the day before, and declared fit to go home, but the next day I started getting spasms my neck bent backwards and my whole body went into something like a fit like state but I was awake all the way through. I remember thinking this is it finally I am going, and then drifting off to sleep after hours of agony caused by the fits, of course I woke up the next morning and had a chat with the nurse who was looking after me, I had been put on a senior ward and we had a laugh that I was looking very well for my age! I’m going to skip a HUGE part of my story here, but I really believe it’s for another day, and another topic, I went through 4 years of domestic violence, and it’s a huge part of my story because I came out a stronger person I now LIVE because I won’t die like he wanted me to. It might not be the best reason to live but it works for me. Ever since I got out of that situation I haven’t taken an over dose or tried to kill myself, don’t get me wrong I struggle with the feeling of wanting to, I still self-harm and cry, I still sometimes pray on a night I will die while I sleep. But I WONT take my own life. This blog shows my up moments, and shows that even on the worst day I can find one good thing that has happened, as silly as it might seem to someone else they are my rays of sunshine, they are my light with in my darkness, as are my friends, family and wonderful boyfriend who always holds me when I cry and for this I love him more than words can say. He never fights with me when I get angry for no reason, he try’s his best to understand my demons and for this I love him, but do not deserve him.
To end this I guess I just want to see, if your sad, depressed and or contemplating suicide PLEASE ask for help. And if you know someone who is depressed don’t laugh or make fun, don’t tell them to cheer up life can’t be that bad, remember to them it is! They have an illness, the only thing is you can’t see it, don’t judge us or jeer us we are just like you, we just need a bit more support, we need your ear we need your hugs and love, don’t leave us alone…
We are just humans. We just can’t cope like others.
Please take a moment to think about how others might feel, take a moment to maybe try and understand.
Take a moment and tell someone you’re there for them that you love them or maybe just how much they make you smile.